Point of no return

Today when I woke up, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I really wanted to sleep in and just skip school altogether. There were so many perks to that thought. I believe I was having a dream and suddenly my alarm just decided to scream at me. I snoozed. And that five minutes felt like the most crucial part of my life since school started. 

The battle in my mind began. 
"Gosh, I really have not enough sleep. If only I could sleep in a little longer just to catch up on my sleep."
"No Venessa, you have an 8am lecture. If you sleep in, you are going to be late."
"Late? I would rather skip school than be late. Skip school... That sounds like an idea. My goodness, all my undone work, all my projects, the tests I have to study for." 
"You do know that once you start skipping school, you will never be able to stop." 
*Alarm rings as the 5 minutes ended* 
"Okay, I'm up." 

I felt so afraid because I never thought that this would resurface in my mind ever. Ask any of my secondary school or JC friends, I have never been a good girl contrary to popular belief. In my entire J2 life, I skipped school for 50 days. Fifty days! I've got to say that all my teachers would be so proud to see me right now. But for those years, the only reason why I couldn't be bothered with my studies was because I was busy searching for meaning in my life. I couldn't find the determination or will to study things that I feel have no impact in my life or my future. I wasn't motivated at all. But this time, this year, there is a burning passion inside of me. A fire I hope that will never be put out. And I was so afraid because I knew that one wrong decision would actually just make the fire less hot, I would become less enthusiastic, less passionate. It scared me. I feared. 

Thankfully I had Abby and she was like, "Don't worry, I won't let you go back! And you won't, because you know you want to do well too." And alas, she is right. This support means a lot to me and I am simply grateful. 

I feel really blessed to have such a wise course manager. This wisdom he possesses is something I can only imagine. But it's something I have sought after my entire life. I want to live this in my everyday. I want to look back at this post three years later when I graduate from NYP and see the changes that have happened in my life. I don't want to ever stop feeling this amazed at the things I am able to learn. I want to crave for knowledge as though I were in a desert and knowledge were a drop of water. 

As Lady Galadriel said in LOTR, "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." 

I don't seek to change the world. But as long as I am able to make that difference, no many how tiny, it will all be worth it. Or at least, I truly believe it is worth it.