Under the weather.

Honestly, I cannot remember the last time I was sick.

This time it feels terrible. In the past I used to love being sick because I get to skip school and rest at home and watch my drama instead of having to study and be at school. Now that I love school, falling sick really is driving me crazy. I really need it to go away. I cannot stand being unproductive. I cannot stand being lazy and just not doing anything.

But I guess this is God's way of telling me, "Time out Venessa." Take a break. Breathe.

But then, people are like.. Constantly pressurizing me. Like I MUST GO TO SCHOOL even when I am this sick or I MUST GO TO CHURCH. I don't like feeling this way.

Dear God, help me. Save me. Cure me.

Migraine.

I'm stuck doing Viva.

My head is fuzzy. My entire face hurts thanks to my 4 growing wisdom teeth. Scheduled for the dentist on 3rd of August which means another half a month of pain. The sinus aggravates everything.

Dear God, show me. Enlighten me. Guide me.

Where should I begin?

Someone asked me to write about something.

Write. That's easy isn't it? Isn't that what I am always inclined to do when my head and my heart is in a mess? Isn't that what I always do when I feel like my life is losing direction? Isn't that what I always do just because I enjoy doing it?

Write. This verb seems to encompass so much more than just placing a pen tip on a piece of parchment. It's taking all of me and placing myself just bare and open using words. Even my handwriting just say so much about me.

Today, I am happy. I never knew that I would be this happy. Yet, the strangest thing is, I cannot find anyone else to share this joy with me. Because if I do try, it would mean starting from square one. It would mean going through all the processes of how I became who I am today. But I guess that's alright now. What really matters? Nothing really matters to be honest.

I'm very proud of you, of me. And I don't know how am I going to feel when I see you when I see you, but I'll remember this.

I've been stuck in guilt and sorrow for way too long. I have tried to convince myself that I believe God has forgiven me. But in actual fact, I haven't let myself believe that. And I haven't forgiven myself. And I haven't stopped, for a single day, putting blame on myself(such a middle child thing). Nonetheless, I guess the journey from here on would be one of brightness. One of courage. Uncle Weekiong said last night that it takes courage to be humble and vulnerable.

I think this is the most courageous I have been in my life.

Gratitude.

Things I am thankful for within the first half hour of my day:

1. I had a sweet dream which equates to me sleeping really well.
2. My brother sacrificing to wake up earlier to shower so that his lazy sisters can sleep in for that extra few minutes.
3. My favourite cardigan is finally dry from washing!
4. The scent of Victoria Secret's Bombshell.
5. Having Starbucks' Cinnamon Raisin Bagel as my breakfast.
6. Knowing that I won't have a heavy bag to bring today.
7. Sitting in sissie's car even though most of the ride was spent in silence.
8. Knowing bits and pieces about people while scrolling through Instagram.
9. Seeing the pictures I posted yesterday and reminded of how much gratitude I felt.
10. Feeling the warmth of the Sun.
11. Getting a seat on the bus
12. Reading what God intended to tell me for me to get through the day.
13. My favourite songs playing even though my phone's on shuffle.
14. Thinking about the kids at House of kids and missing them so badly.
15. Blogging.

Thank you Lord.

Everything has changed.

You once quoted from somewhere,
"We don't do nothing to get saved, we fight to get saved."

Then you said, likewise it can be applied to;
"We don't do nothing to get happiness, we fight for our happiness."

This is me, fighting.

Subtle? Not really.

If only I could tell you how proud I am of you as well.

Point of no return

Today when I woke up, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I really wanted to sleep in and just skip school altogether. There were so many perks to that thought. I believe I was having a dream and suddenly my alarm just decided to scream at me. I snoozed. And that five minutes felt like the most crucial part of my life since school started. 

The battle in my mind began. 
"Gosh, I really have not enough sleep. If only I could sleep in a little longer just to catch up on my sleep."
"No Venessa, you have an 8am lecture. If you sleep in, you are going to be late."
"Late? I would rather skip school than be late. Skip school... That sounds like an idea. My goodness, all my undone work, all my projects, the tests I have to study for." 
"You do know that once you start skipping school, you will never be able to stop." 
*Alarm rings as the 5 minutes ended* 
"Okay, I'm up." 

I felt so afraid because I never thought that this would resurface in my mind ever. Ask any of my secondary school or JC friends, I have never been a good girl contrary to popular belief. In my entire J2 life, I skipped school for 50 days. Fifty days! I've got to say that all my teachers would be so proud to see me right now. But for those years, the only reason why I couldn't be bothered with my studies was because I was busy searching for meaning in my life. I couldn't find the determination or will to study things that I feel have no impact in my life or my future. I wasn't motivated at all. But this time, this year, there is a burning passion inside of me. A fire I hope that will never be put out. And I was so afraid because I knew that one wrong decision would actually just make the fire less hot, I would become less enthusiastic, less passionate. It scared me. I feared. 

Thankfully I had Abby and she was like, "Don't worry, I won't let you go back! And you won't, because you know you want to do well too." And alas, she is right. This support means a lot to me and I am simply grateful. 

I feel really blessed to have such a wise course manager. This wisdom he possesses is something I can only imagine. But it's something I have sought after my entire life. I want to live this in my everyday. I want to look back at this post three years later when I graduate from NYP and see the changes that have happened in my life. I don't want to ever stop feeling this amazed at the things I am able to learn. I want to crave for knowledge as though I were in a desert and knowledge were a drop of water. 

As Lady Galadriel said in LOTR, "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." 

I don't seek to change the world. But as long as I am able to make that difference, no many how tiny, it will all be worth it. Or at least, I truly believe it is worth it.