Point of no return

Today when I woke up, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I really wanted to sleep in and just skip school altogether. There were so many perks to that thought. I believe I was having a dream and suddenly my alarm just decided to scream at me. I snoozed. And that five minutes felt like the most crucial part of my life since school started. 

The battle in my mind began. 
"Gosh, I really have not enough sleep. If only I could sleep in a little longer just to catch up on my sleep."
"No Venessa, you have an 8am lecture. If you sleep in, you are going to be late."
"Late? I would rather skip school than be late. Skip school... That sounds like an idea. My goodness, all my undone work, all my projects, the tests I have to study for." 
"You do know that once you start skipping school, you will never be able to stop." 
*Alarm rings as the 5 minutes ended* 
"Okay, I'm up." 

I felt so afraid because I never thought that this would resurface in my mind ever. Ask any of my secondary school or JC friends, I have never been a good girl contrary to popular belief. In my entire J2 life, I skipped school for 50 days. Fifty days! I've got to say that all my teachers would be so proud to see me right now. But for those years, the only reason why I couldn't be bothered with my studies was because I was busy searching for meaning in my life. I couldn't find the determination or will to study things that I feel have no impact in my life or my future. I wasn't motivated at all. But this time, this year, there is a burning passion inside of me. A fire I hope that will never be put out. And I was so afraid because I knew that one wrong decision would actually just make the fire less hot, I would become less enthusiastic, less passionate. It scared me. I feared. 

Thankfully I had Abby and she was like, "Don't worry, I won't let you go back! And you won't, because you know you want to do well too." And alas, she is right. This support means a lot to me and I am simply grateful. 

I feel really blessed to have such a wise course manager. This wisdom he possesses is something I can only imagine. But it's something I have sought after my entire life. I want to live this in my everyday. I want to look back at this post three years later when I graduate from NYP and see the changes that have happened in my life. I don't want to ever stop feeling this amazed at the things I am able to learn. I want to crave for knowledge as though I were in a desert and knowledge were a drop of water. 

As Lady Galadriel said in LOTR, "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." 

I don't seek to change the world. But as long as I am able to make that difference, no many how tiny, it will all be worth it. Or at least, I truly believe it is worth it. 

Port Dickson // Compassion

Friday, 24 May 2013. 

Waking up at 5:30am really wasn't the best way to start the day. As I showered, I thought about how meaningless this trip would be. I would be going there to rot and waste my time away since Mum and sis would be at the conference and I would be in the hotel room doing nothing at all. I felt angst and really upset that I couldn't do flag day with the campus. I mean, I spent a month coordinating it yet I don't get to see how it goes or be involved in the after party! But I believe God has his plans for me. My family walked to Hougang Central to board the van that was going to take us to Port Dickson. The van was really tiny and it had to fit 11 of us. The journey there was pleasant! Sissie and I had a great Les Mis morning :) 

Our first stop for brunch was pretty disastrous. The rice was hard and the chicken was hard too. I ate it anyway out of sheer hunger. 

 The hard rice and the hard chicken :( 

To reward myself for gobbling up that meal, Mummy got me Baskin' Robbins. Love Potion flavoured <3 

It was approximately a seven hour journey from Singapore to Port Dickson (including the breaks). By the time we reached, our butts were all numb! The hotel did initially look displeasing to the eye but the beach was beautiful! Once we reached, Mum said I was going to join the conference! The look of surprise on my face was really a Kodak moment. 

 This was at the lobby of the hotel! It seemed really formal just looking at this. 

Sissie and I. Her reluctant face... The only OOTD picture I took on Day One. 

Without even checking into our hotel room, we immediately started the conference. Oh boy was it intense. "Oh and look at the year, we went ahead in time! 2103!", said Aunty Woon Wei with her epic face above. We first were given pieces of paper to draw our ideal workplace. I drew so many things as I thought about how I want my working environment to be like with children, as an Occupational Therapist. And since I just had my drama class during creativity, I totally added drama and music corners to my workplace. He evaluated our characters through what we drew and he said this to me. 

"You are a very agreeable person. Very soft-hearted. Very creative. Very romantic, I see hearts everywhere. And you are like your sister, with the passion for music. As an outlet for you to channel your emotions." 

And well, I never ever thought of myself as a soft-hearted person. But I took it in prudently. At the end of the session, everyone was crying except me because honestly right now, I feel extremely problem-free. And it's been really really really long since I've felt this way. And I like it. I don't know if I am really problem-free or I just don't see things as problems anymore. Nonetheless, it felt good to be analyzed and good to hear people talk about their problems. 

Finally, the session ended and we got to check into our rooms! It isn't a hotel but instead a resort but it was decent! We rested for awhile and I changed out of my really uncomfortable dress so that we could go down to the beach! The beach's really beautiful! 

 My brother and I. I have never been a huge fan of water so you see me holding his arm. 

 When I saw this, I immediately started singing "When the waves start crashing the shore when I can't find my way home anymore, that's when I, I..... I look at you." (blush) But it was really such a sight to behold! 

Trying to brush up on my photography skills here but with such a pretty sight, you don't even need a good photographer! 

In between now till the sunset, my siblings and I went to play pool. I have to confess that I have NEVER played pool in my entire life. And I'm proud to say that I tried it! Yet, I honestly don't enjoy it. I believe it will give backache after prolonged playing! And it is so unglam to keep bending! I really am not a games person! We also went for a walk with the teachers and had some finger food at the cafe by the beach! Then, sunset arrived! It was BREATHTAKING.

Just look at how beautiful it looks. The sun peaking out between the clouds as though it was playing peek-a-boo. The reflection of the Sun Rays onto the deep blue sea. It's irreplaceable. 

Of course, as a teenage girl, I had to have my picture taken with the Glorious Mr Sun. 

 Due to the extremely horrid rotting smell/pee smell of the place we were supposed to have our dinner, we decided to have our dinner elsewhere so here's my food! Seafood platter which totally did not resemble the picture on the menu. It was thankfully edible! 

After that, we had games! Played blow wind blow, "Do you like your neighbour?" and mafia! And some small random mini games inbetween. And then the day ended! 

I had a terrible first night! I woke up at 1am due to insanely loud snoring by my mother on my right and my brother on my left. It really is bad to be a light sleeper! The moment I stood up wanting to head out of the room, my stomach lurched. And there I was becoming a merlion. It was dreadful. So I went to the sofa and fell asleep feeling horrible. 

Saturday, 25 May 2013

I woke up having a diarrhea but thankfully that was the last of my food. I am inclined to believe I had eaten something unclean due to how unhygienic the place was. I didn't have appetite for breakfast and the session soon started! 

The speaker asked us how we dealt with our emotions and again he said I was a soft hearted person. I said that I write it down. But he said that instead of keeping my journals, I should burn them so that I don't hold on to the past anymore. But I disagree. It is true that we can forgive but we can never forget. And precisely why I keep my journals. I need to see how I felt at that point of time. I need to see how I got over it. I need to see the process of what made me who I am today. And looking back at these makes me feel stronger. It doesn't open a door of negativity when I see it. When I see it, I feel invincible. And isn't there a saying that we should always learn from our past so that we never make the same mistakes again? Sometimes I just need a reminder and my journal happens to be an amazing one. But well, I guess it differs from person to person. 

He also asked me if it made sense for me to drag my feet to work when I don't enjoy it as much as it is high paid and I answered, "I think for me, it doesn't make sense. If I don't have the passion, I won't even turn up for work. I need to be able to enjoy what I am doing, then it will make sense." And he told me this, "I said that you were creative yesterday right? You're the sort of person that seeks for excitement. It's thrilling to you if today there's a tsunami and tomorrow there's an earthquake." And well, I completely agree. It was a great session for me.

We then went for brunch after Mummy was done with her session! 

We were talking about Sunglasses and I was saying that I would look like a housefly if I wear aviators. So here is an experimental picture! And okay, maybe I don't look like a housefly, but I still don't like the shape of it. And there's my brother, acting cool. (I kid)(Maybe not) :P

Due to some reasons, I decided not to take the Banana boat while the rest of them took it. I was so envious but it seems like they had so much fun! 

 Look at them all geared up! I honestly don't know why my brother didn't want to take the banana boat. 

 Awkward picture of me with the super beautiful background! Just look at the waves and the sky! OOTD: Crochet top from F21. Pink floral romper from Twirling Pastels (too pretty) <3 

 Family photo! 

Really, simply, truly love the scenery. 

After that, we went for karaoke at another resort! Getting a cab was difficult! Thank goodness I was fully prepared! I had an umbrella, a mini fan and my shades! Everyone was commenting. Haha, I can't help it. The pictures were really not glamorous but we had a whole lot of fun singing and laughing at mummy! As Singaporeans, we couldn't help but compare that resort with ours. The food was superb! And the view was beautiful too! 

This trip really allowed me to realise how much I miss the Sun. I haven't been to the beach in ages! And I honestly hate the heat every single time I come out from the lecture theatre. But being here, it just is different. With the sea breeze and the tinge of warmth from the Sun, it is just amazing. 

We went back to watch the movie Every Child Is Special, produced by Aamir Khan and it really is such an awesome and inspiring movie. These movies really drive me to work so much harder, to fight for something so fragile such as the simple beauties of life, to go against what is defined as a social norm. It fuels my passion as an Occupational Therapist. I want to be a brilliant OT not just because of any reason but because I want to do all in my power to make a difference to every client I will meet in the future. DO WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T! It ended really late at 12ish am and I had a great sleep, thinking so much about life. 

 Girls do what they do. Even my maid too as much as she's like... 35 or something. Looks are always deceiving. 

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Last day of the conference and my entire family woke up late! Mum was going to do a talk on how pictures help in a child's learning and it was actually fun. I never knew my mum did that research as she studied for early childhood. We had breakfast at the same place again! Teh Tarik and Toast with Jam :) 

This picture concludes the entire conference! It was a happy ending as we hugged everyone goodbye! 

After that, we went up to pack and came back down. The bus was delayed and we had nothing to do! So, I dragged Charmaine to the beach with me to go take pretty pictures and we did! 

 Really miss this girl so much ever since the step up retreat like ancient years ago (feels like ancient years ago) Haha. Glad that she surprisingly showed up and that we finally got to catch up! My lovely Charmaine Kok. 

 I am so intrigued by these ripples on the sand. Like why..... the little streams of water flowing, too cute.

 *blush blush blush* This is Charlotte next to Charmaine, her sister :)

 Their maid, Maria, is really epic. She kept showing us what kind of poses to do, it was hilarious. 

 Couldn't capture the yachts but there were so many of them coming to sight when we were leaving! 

So, of course, being Venessa, what kind of epic things don't happen on a trip? Of course epic things need to happen. And it relates to the guy above. 

While walking back in the direction of the resort as I was picking up my shoes, he shouted out to me in amazingly fluent English. 

He said, "Don't you want to take a picture with me?" *as he pointed to the camera in my hand* 

I replied with a smile, "Sure, why not!" 

So I went over and asked his friend to take the picture for us. Charmaine, Charlotte and Maria just decided to crash it! As I was wearing my shoes and as the rest left to wash their feet, he and I had a short conversation. 

"What's your name?"

"Venessa."

"Are you still schooling?"

"Yes, yes I am still schooling." 

"How old are you?"

"20 this year." 

"You are very beautiful."

With a huge smile and a slight giggle, "Thank you." 

"Can I have your phone number?" 

I looked down, turned back and said in a matter-of-fact-ly tone, "I live in Singapore. So, bye!" 

I tried to evaluate this from a very objective point of view. If it were the past past me, I would have been overjoyed for all the wrong reasons. If it were the past me, I wouldn't have answered the first question he asked me. But this is me now, the me that I have understood most since I was born. All I knew was that, friends would have never become friends if they haven't begun as strangers. And it's strange interactions like these that makes going around the world kind of meaningful. Besides, who really compliments people so willingly these days? I was flattered. 

We went for an awesome seafood lunch after that and then headed back to Singapore. Reality really sank in after I cleared the customs. This experience really made me so much more grateful to be living in Singapore. With it being so clean, with it being without so much corruption. I am so thankful. As much as the cost of living here is higher, or maybe people here are more stressed, I wouldn't give it up for anything else in the world. I love that it's clean and green, I love that we uphold order and justice. I never thought I'd say this but I truly love where I belong. 

I thank God for this experience and I can't wait to keep growing in wisdom as I go through more experiences as such. 

Hiatus

Dear readers of my really dead blog, 

First of all, I would like to apologise for my almost two month long hiatus. I've been really busy but still, I shall try to summarize these two months as short and sweet as possible. 

Since my last post on April 9th, I have been preparing for school. As most of you should already know, I have enrolled into Nanyang Polytechnic, School of Health Sciences- Occupational Therapy. My journey as an OT-to-be started on 12th of April after I went for orientation. This journey has been amazing so far. The things I've learnt, the perspectives I have come to realise- these are all just small steps that has already imprinted in my life and I just can't wait to keep growing in my knowledge and my passion for this course. 

Also, I have also gotten to know two really amazing people Abigail Yeap and Cheryl Koh. I honestly cannot imagine school without them and they are just such lovely girls. 

I have officially moved on from the Teens ministry into Campus ministry and things have been going okay? School has been too busy for me to really deal with this transition properly or even think about what has really changed during this transition. I took on a huge scaled flag day project as a coordinator the moment I entered Campus. It was a good experience albeit crazy and tedious. The full force of serving and serving and serving never stops. Sometimes it really feels so suffocating but then again, I really really really enjoy it. 

Alas, I have two new additions to my household. My grandpa and a new maid. Things have been pretty intense, trying to deal with the influx of people in my house and the severe lack of space. I really appreciate my brother for letting out his room for my granddad. The emotions that my grandpa radiates has been like a tsunami. He cries and the whole family cries, he scolds and the whole family breaks. It feels like a helpless situation. I don't know how to bring meaning into his life. I simply have no idea what to do. But then again, I shall not take it upon myself. Not everything is meant for me to do as much as I want to do many things. 

And I think that summarizes my two months. Of course there's so much more to school but I'm really lazy and my memory fails me. So... await my next post. 

Truckloads of love from me <3

Opposites

I've been thinking a lot about opposites these days ever since someone posed the question, 

"What do you truly think is the opposite of love?" 
"Is it hate? No, the opposite of love isn't hatred. It is oblivion."

It has led me to realise so much more about life. It is often said that courage is not the absence of fear which also shows me how the opposite of courage isn't fear. It makes me think if everything is like that! Einstein did once mention that there is actually no such thing as cold, but there is such a thing as the absence of heat. There is no such thing as darkness, but there is such a thing as the absence of light. 

It really dawned upon me that the world was meant to be positive. We humans created words like fear, cold and darkness just because we feel like maybe we've lost something. But in fact, we are only lacking. The best part about only lacking is that you can totally get it back. 

However, it also shows me how we humans feel so much. When we use words like hate when we don't love, we actually still feel so much. And feeling is a great thing. To be able to feel as much as it feels like you hate someone with all your heart, at least you know that you own your emotions. And this just makes me feel like I've entered a whole new realm in my discovery of humanity. 

So, this is how I am going to face life right now. I'm going to gain the things that I lack. I am going to be filled with utmost faith that this is the best way to go head-on with life;s battles. I owe it to myself to believe in this. At least with this faith, I'm going to be a much happier person. With faith being intangible, as I hold on to it while not seeing it, it can mould me. In any and every way. 

This is my now. 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough.

Over and over again.

If only, IF only.